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Have your elderly parents been bickering around the house frequently? As an adult child, dealing with parents constantly fighting over minor things at home can be tricky. Fortunately, there are some fool-proof ways to tackle it and help them have a happy senior life together.
To deal with constantly fighting elderly parents, start by understanding their reasons for arguing and talking to them about the wrongs of frequent bickering. Calmly assess the situation and distance yourself whenever things get overwhelming. If nothing else works, consider hiring professionals.
I’ll show you a few ways to deal with elderly parents fighting constantly. We will also suggest tips to help your mental health and exhaustion from dealing with elderly parents who bicker too much. Let us begin!
1. Check Why Your Elderly Parents Are Arguing
No one likes to be caught in the crossfire between their parents. It is nasty and can take up a chunk of your day. However, if you try to understand their reason for arguing, it might help them feel your empathy and even calm the situation.
Here are some common reasons elderly parents fight:
They Feel Helpless
Old age can make anyone feel lonely. At their age, your elder parents may not be able to meet their friends by themselves. Moreover, growing disabilities will make them feel increasingly frustrated. You might find them arguing over forgetting small chores or doing something wrong to vent their frustrations.
Prolonged Grudges
Growing up, you might not have seen your parents argue with each other. Parents do not wish to share their conflicts with their kids. But as they age, these pent-up unresolved conflicts get louder and more vocal. Now that you’re an adult, you’re more likely to notice them.
Indecisiveness About the Future
As they age, your parents might disagree with future living situations. One might want to age at home, while the other might want to live their last years alongside people of the same age at assisted living facilities. Such sensitive discussions are prone to plenty of arguments.
2. Address Their Issues
Now that you understand a few of the many reasons why elderly parents fight, it is time to address these issues. Some of these arguments are easily solvable if someone helps them out. Having someone to listen to their problems can ease domestic tension.
For issues like feeling helpless and too dependent, you can try taking them to visit their other family members and friends. Alternatively, you can invite some of their friends over for lunch and coffee. It will help lighten up their moods and ease the tension at home.
Trusted family members and friends around your elderly parents’ ages may also be able to share valuable insights on how to help them address their issues.
You also need to address their mental health. For example, if one of them shows signs of dementia, it might confuse the other parent, leading to misunderstandings and fights. I suggest taking them to a mental health clinic and seeking professional help.
3. Keep Yourself Calm
Parents fighting at home can cause a lot of domestic distress, and adult children may need to take some time away to avoid adding to the tension. Seeking professional help, like hiring a professional caregiver to take care of your elderly parents, can help prevent them from arguing.
Keeping your nerves cool while an argument rages in your home is not easy. However, it is the only way to not let the dispute get to you. We often forget that we are not entirely responsible for keeping the peace at home. Some elderly parents fight with each other on various unnecessary topics.
If you see the reasons are beyond your control and understanding, it’s often best to move away and reclaim your mental peace. Domestic disputes can affect the mental health of both parents and children and create a rift in the family, sacrificing stability at home.
Suppose your aged parents are arguing about something as silly as changing the TV channels. Or it can be one of them forgetting the other’s birthday. These trivial disputes do not need your intervention, so try not to spend your energy on them.
However, watch out for when things start getting violent. Many elderly parents might not be able to manage their emotions, especially when the fight escalates uncontrollably.
4. Limit Your Involvement in the Fight
Do your parents depend on you to stop their fights whenever they argue? Then it is time to tell them no. Many parents tend to burden their children with personal issues, sometimes asking the little ones who are right in their eyes.
Remember, regardless of how old you are, it is not your responsibility to diffuse domestic disputes. If your elderly parents are mentally sound yet overly emotional, let them know that they need to fix their issues, as you are younger than them and do not hold that task.
Allow them to talk about their problems with you, but let them resolve the issues with each other.
Encouraging open communication between your old parents is a great way to avoid domestic disputes altogether. Moreover, letting them discuss their problems will lessen your troubles of getting involved whenever your parents have a fight. How to Start Conversations With Your Elderly Parents
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5. Point Out Their Toxic Behaviors
Let’s face it. Some arguments break out because one person is toxic. Their manipulative behavior can anger anyone, even their significant other. So if a fight breaks out between your parents and one of them has questionable behavior, point it out.
Sometimes, this behavior can get redirected to you. For example, if one parent is verbally abusive to the other parent, point out that their behavior is not okay. At this point, an aged parent might snap at you for talking between two adults.
During this time, remind them that bad behavior towards you or anyone at home will not be tolerated. Doing so will feel painful, especially when it is against your aging parent—someone you have known your whole life.
It can also make them feel that you’re taking the other parent’s side. Let them understand that it’s not the case.
If you fear being equally emotional and end up causing more harm than good with your intervention, you should seek professional help and ask about how to resolve the issue better next time.
6. Help Them Differentiate Between Good and Bad Fighting
Some aged parents do not know how they can affect you by fighting constantly. It can be stressful and depressing to see your parents fight while you are trying to secure a balanced adult life. It is, hence, important to tell your elderly parents about the effects of fighting.
While parents fighting near young kids can drastically affect the latter’s mental health, it amounts to constant panic and stress for adult children. Instead of tolerating such childlike behavior from adults, sit them down to discuss different fights.
Good Argument
Good or reasonable fights often end with agreements and much-needed compromises. These arguments start heated, but your parents will realize that it’s no one’s fault. Some anger issues are also properly vented off by discussing the matter or seeking medical attention.
The following are examples of reasonable fighting between elderly parents:
- Parent A had left the fryer, and Parent B was angry after discovering the potato burnt
- There is a misunderstanding between parents A and B, who are trying to figure it out.
Bad Argument
Bad arguments might end with name-calling and disrespectful behaviors. Your parents might not be patient enough to sort out the issue. Some elderly parents also try silent treatment, which in itself is a toxic behavior, to manipulate the other to apologize. Moreover, it is frustrating and irritating for all people involved.
Now, here are some fights that are negative and offer no help to anyone:
- Your aged parents fighting over a change of plans
- Frequent arguments about small things inside the house
- Frustration towards the spouse
Whatever the reason, help your old parents understand that arguments are unnecessary and a waste of energy. Who knows—they might finally stop fighting over small changes in the house.
Seeing you actively trying to solve their issues positively impacts your elderly parents who always fight each other. However, they might become too dependent on you to resolve their differences.
This brings you back to addressing the root of the issue and taking a stand on limiting your involvement.
7. Suggest Couple Counselling
Now that you have pointed out their toxic behaviors and discussed good vs. bad fighting, it is time to suggest couple counseling.
As mentioned, most bad fighting occurs due to repressed emotions and grudges. Some of them are due to the inability to cope with aging and losing loved ones around them. In such cases, senior counseling works wonders in managing your elderly parents’ anger, fear, and confusion and helps them feel safe.
Here are why senior counseling and marriage counseling might reduce your parents’ daily fighting:
- It offers a safe space for your parents to pour out their hearts about their differences.
- Therapy gives them tools to resolve the roadblocks that are affecting their dynamic
- They have someone professional for advice, who is a third-party member. Meaning it is not a biased family member from either side.
- Marriage counseling helps your aged parents see the other’s perspective and understand each other.
All in all, a professional therapist can ease your burden of trying to resolve domestic disputes. They solve conflicts by understanding a couple’s personal issues and giving both equal grounds to discuss without having an argument.
8. Create a Boundary Between You and Your Parents
The next step to dealing with constantly fighting elderly parents is to leave them alone a bit. Remember that it is not your job or liability to fix their marriage at this age. Some of these problems might be due to forgetfulness, ailments, and paranoia about aging.
These are things that professionals can best help them with. So while discussing the idea of senior marriage counseling, let them know that they now need to take their issues to a professional instead of their child.
Creating a boundary between yourself and your parent’s marital issues is crucial. And it is equally essential for them to understand that moving away from their arguments is not equal to moving away from others.
Distancing yourself from your elderly parents’ arguments is the best way to secure your mental health.
Parental disputes have detrimental effects on the physical and psychological health of children—whether young or adult. You might have your own family and kids at this age, which can also suffer if you involve yourself too much in your aged parents’ arguments.
9. Create a Safe Space for Yourself
Even as an adult, your safe space is equally important.
Say you stay in the same house as your aged parents, and they have constant irritating arguments that affect your daily life. In such situations, you must create a safe space that is all yours. There are two ways of making this space.
For starters, ensure that you have some stress-relieving objects in your rooms. Mood lighting and candles can help calm nerves and make you feel more peaceful. Sight and sound are the backbones of your peace of mind.
For example, stress-relieving aromatherapy candles can help alleviate the overwhelming feeling and gently calm you down.
The aromatherapy stress relief candle by Bath & Body Works (available on Amazon.com) is an excellent choice. It comes in various soothing scents from eucalyptus and spearmint that fill your room with a relaxing aroma. It’s ideal for meditation and makes you feel refreshed in no time.
The second way is to hire caregivers. Professional caregivers are equipped with the knowledge and skill to handle senior citizens and their issues. They adapt to different clients in no time and ensure that:
- Your parents’ medications are on time
- There are no confusions and arguments between them
- There is a prompt solution to any situation that might trigger a fight between your aging parents
- Daily walks and outdoor activities that keep the constant frustrations of being indoors at bay
10. Talk To Your Parents About Assisted Living
Most of the time, aged people want to be around those who understand their age-related issues the best.
Growing old may remove them from being around or meeting people their age. It often makes senior citizens feel frustrated and lonely. These feelings churn out anger and rage toward loved ones. And most often, their spouses receive the brunt of these negative feelings.
Assisted or senior community living has various perks for aged parents. For starters, they get to live among people their age and socialize with them without feeling left out due to the age gap.
Assisted living also keeps the fear of isolation at bay, leading couples to fight out of feeling mentally distressed and helpless. Often, they fight with each other if one is careless, as they are afraid to lose them.
These communities are well-equipped with professionals and medical aids for physical and mental health. Meaning, your parents will be safe and secure among people they can call friends.
Assisted living also provides a social support system where teams keep a close eye on everyone’s health to detect any symptoms of:
- Heart attacks
- Dementia
- Depression
- Age-related ailments
So if your parents are constantly fighting each other, and their reasons point towards them feeling isolated and helpless, sit them down, and talk to them about assisted living.
It might help them see the perks of entering such a community and feel safe among all. Interacting with new friends in the same age group can also help reduce their fights and make them feel happy with each other.
Conclusion
All in all, these are valuable steps that can help you deal with your elderly parents fighting all the time at home. No child likes to witness their parents arguing, and not all of the parents’ issues can be resolved with the child’s intervention.
Constant fights between elderly parents can also affect adult children’s mental health and put a lot of burden on their shoulders.
Talk to professional counselors, hire a caregiver, or educate your parents about assisted living. These things can help senior couples understand their differences and work towards having a peaceful life together.
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