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Aging is a normal part of life. However, it can be particularly challenging, and at times frustrating, to watch your parents age. Your parents will likely find it troubling as they cope with their growing limitations.
There are some things that you should avoid saying to your aging parents, such as that they have already told you something, that they shouldn’t drive anymore, or that they need to take better care of themselves.
As everyone adjusts to these changes, it’s best to avoid saying certain phrases as it may hurt your parent’s feelings. This article lists things you shouldn’t say to your aging parents.
1. “You Already Told Me That.”
Another similar phrase to avoid is “You always tell me the same story.” No matter how you word it, both phrases should be avoided to spare your parents hurt feelings.
Being forgetful in older age is common. Without realizing it, your parents may repeat or retell you things they may have told you a half dozen times.
To keep yourself from hearing the same things over and over, you can ask your parents questions that will lead them to discuss or share different stories, memories, and events. Not only will this small maneuver encourage your parents to share something different, but you may also learn something new about your parents and possibly gain a deeper understanding of them.
This is also an incredible opportunity to bond with your aging parents. They will share more things with you, and you can share more with them as well. Try some of these conversation starters with your parents:
- In what ways are we alike, and in what ways are we different?
- Who has been the most significant influence in your life?
- If you could ask your parents anything, what would it be?
- What is your greatest achievement?
- What is your earliest memory?
- Do you have a long-lost love?
- What was school like for you?
- What fads do you remember from your youth?
- What world events impacted you the most?
- What was your first job?
- How would you want me to remember you?
Asking some of the questions above can really provide insight into who your parents are. You learn things about them that you otherwise may never have known. Likely, your parents will enjoy reminiscing about their past and will feel honored that you want to know more about them.
2. “We’ve Already Been Through This.”
This phrase is close to the previous one. They’re both related to your parents becoming forgetful. The last phrase, however, is regarding your parents forgetting and not realizing that they have told you a story recently. Conversely, this phrase is about your parents forgetting things you told them or have explained to them previously.
Adult children need to be aware that their parents may need to have things explained to them more than once. This is possibly true now more than ever. It’s in everyone’s best interest to be patient if this becomes an issue.
Technology has become intertwined with our daily lives. From new devices to apps on the devices, a wide array of passwords, online banking, and more, your parents may need a lot more help than perhaps aging parents of yesteryear.
Further, it may take a few times before your parents fully understand or grasp things. Newer devices, in particular, may be challenging for older individuals with diminished cognition, eyesight, or fine motor skills.
3. “You Need To Use Your Cane.”
Aging parents will likely find themselves facing a loss of mobility. In the United States, falls are common in those 65 and older and are the leading cause of injury and injury-related death in this age group. Some circumstances may warrant an assistive walking device, namely canes or walkers.
To parents, this may be hard to accept. They may find the use of canes and walkers makes them appear handicapped, old, or frail. Because of these issues, aging parents may forgo using them as much as possible.
Older parents often take assistive devices to their medical appointments and tell their medical providers they’re using the device as prescribed. In reality, however, they conveniently forget the assistive devices in other settings.
If you’re aware or suspect that your aging parents aren’t using their assistive walking devices as prescribed, talk to your parents about it, as one in four elderly people fall each year. Explain that you’re concerned that they may fall, potentially suffering serious injuries. Try to explain to your parents that their cane or walker provides an extra layer of stability.
The CDC shares the following alarming statistics:
- About 36 million elderly people in the United States fall each year.
- Falls account for more than 32,000 deaths.
- 20% of all falls result in injury.
- Falls alone are the cause of 95% of hip fractures in the older population.
There are other tips to help your older parents move around safely. They can:
- Have their feet checked and get proper footwear.
- Walk in open areas.
- Perform leg strengthening exercises.
- Get their eyes checked annually.
- Discuss any medications that cause dizziness or sleepiness with their medical providers.
A notable caveat should be added for bathrooms. Bathrooms can be particularly hazardous for elderly people. Bathtubs and showers pose a risk of falls, and walkers and canes aren’t used in these areas. If your aging parents use canes and walkers, grab bars in the bathroom may also be needed.
4. “You Never Feel Good.”
Increasing health issues are simply a part of aging. As medications and doctor appointments increase, overall health may become a forefront part of your parents’ lives.
Aging parents may begin talking more and more about their health issues. This may become the topic of most of their conversations, sharing their aches, pains, tests, medications, and diagnoses.
For family members, these conversations can be hard to listen to or even frustrating to hear time and again. Family members may feel helpless, but it’s important to remember how your loved one feels.
5. “You Shouldn’t Be Driving Anymore.”
This and the following point concern your parents’ independence and can be a hot topic for many families. Driving can be outright dangerous for your parents and others if they have cognitive or physical impairments that negatively impact their ability to drive safely. Yet, there are more elderly drivers on the road than before, with a 68% increase from 2000 to 2020.
You may want to start with an open conversation with your parents. Ask them if they still feel safe driving. Suggest cutting down the amount of driving they do. Alternatively, offer to drive them sometimes, perhaps starting with frequent errands like weekly grocery shopping trips.
If your aging parents insist on continuing to drive, it’s best to do so during daylight and in optimum weather conditions. Further, remind them to always wear a seatbelt.
If your parents feel they can and should continue to drive, you may want to work with others, such as your parents’ doctors. The doctors may be able to give more input about your parents’ abilities and limitations. Working with doctors could save potential family rifts.
6. “You Shouldn’t Live Alone Anymore.”
There may come a time when you may fear that your parents can no longer be able to live without daily assistance or support. Some aging parents may have difficulty coming to terms with this or may not be fully aware that they’re having difficulty managing living alone.
Still, others may not want to leave their homes, even if they know it might not be the best for them. They may wish to remain in the home for several reasons, including not wanting to give up their independence.
As their child, your primary concern is their safety. Your parents may strongly oppose moving to an assisted living facility or nursing home. It’s best to ease into this topic gently, expressing your concern and working with your parents to come to an agreement that is fitting and everyone agrees on.
I recommend reading my other guide on how to tell elderly parents that they can’t live alone. You’ll learn how to convince them that living alone isn’t safe for them anymore. How to Tell an Elderly Parent That They Can’t Live Alone
7. “You Need To Take Better Care of Yourself.”
As our parents age, they may slowly let their appearances go. Sometimes, it’s difficult for them to keep up with their appearances as they used to.
There are gentle ways to ensure that your parents are still getting their basic hygiene needs met. It could involve your giving them reminders, taking older fathers to get haircuts, or perhaps having someone come into the home to assist.
8. “I Can’t Believe You Forgot…”
As discussed in earlier points, forgetfulness is a normal part of aging. While it may involve your parents telling you the same stories, other moments of forgetfulness could be problematic. This can easily become a source of frustration for adult children.
Your parents may have forgotten to take medications or attend doctor appointments. While these things could have health implications, they should be brought to your parents in such a way that your parents won’t feel scolded as if they were children.
Missing things sporadically will likely be catastrophic. But, if it becomes a recurring issue, you and your parents can devise solutions together. Setting reminders on phones, implementing calendars and planners, or putting notes on the refrigerator can all be worthwhile.
Still, your parents may forget other things, like birthdays and other important dates. For situations like these, show your parents grace. They will probably feel frustrated or embarrassed with themselves.
9. “Why Don’t You Just Ask for Help?”
Perhaps as an attempt to remain in control of their independence or possibly because they do not realize their new limitations, some older individuals might not ask for help. Still, sometimes our aging parents’ pride may keep them from asking for any needed assistance.
Even when our aging parents know they need additional help or help they didn’t need before, it can be challenging to admit it to themselves and their loved ones. They may feel like it’ll burden their adult children, who they assume to have full and busy lives.
If possible, take the initiative. If you notice things need deeper cleaning, are in disrepair, or need replacing, offer help. While your parents may shoo you away initially, they may come around. Other times, your parents may enjoy how your extra help means that they get to spend more time with you.
10. One Final Thing To Avoid
Unless your parents begin the conversation, you shouldn’t ask them for money, heirlooms, property, or the like upon their death. Coming to terms with your own mortality can be difficult to accept for our parents.
Asking your parents about what you may receive upon your death can bring about a range of thoughts and emotions from your parents. Your parents may feel you care more about their possessions than you do for them.
Remember To Listen
Listen to your parents. Thoroughly listen to them. Yes, the stories may be repetitive or not quite so enjoyable. Still, it’s important not to interrupt. Their recall and cognitive skills may be slower, so allow them the time and space they need during conversations.
Practice Active Listening
Be an active listener. Many of us struggle with active listening; it is normal for us to feel the need to respond when someone is talking to us. Sometimes, people just need a listening ear.
Avoid listening just to respond. While the conversation topics may not be enlightening, they mean enough to your parents to share with you. The goal of active listening is for both parties to reach a mutual understanding.
Mitigate Differences
Further, you and your parents won’t agree on everything. Be willing to agree to disagree, and compromise during any decision-making processes. There are a few approaches you can take to help make this possible:
- Use neutral terms.
- Have open body language.
- Respect each other’s differences.
- Address issues immediately rather than putting them off.
- Set clear expectations and boundaries.
Avoid Giving Unsolicited Advice
During conversations with your aging parents, do not give advice that is not asked for. Your parents have guided you your whole life and may be hesitant to accept a role reversal. Remain neutral during conversations unless your parents ask for your input.
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