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You work diligently to ensure your parents’ comfort, safety, and well-being. Despite all your efforts and the time involved, your folks rarely thank you. Understandably, you feel irked, hurt, and frustrated, yet you want to avoid getting bitter.
Coping with ungrateful elderly parents begins with empathy for their declining health. Also, protect your sanity with stress-relieving methods and self-rewards. Consider joining a caregiver support group or hiring a home health aide. You can also use humor to coax your parents’ gratitude.
Here are eight strategies for cultivating a rapport between you and your parents. You might be surprised how these tips can help your parents’ attitude improve. Read on to learn more!
1. Reflect on the Reasons for Their Ungrateful Attitude
Understanding why your folks aren’t grateful can spur your compassion for them. So, imagine how your parents feel in their bodies, minds, and spirits.
Physical and Emotional Unease
Most likely, your parents’ health has diminished, causing them much discomfort and distress. In that case, suffering can dominate their lives, making it hard to feel grateful for your loving care.
Perhaps your parents have waning vision, hearing, or mobility. In turn, they may be angry at losing their independence and needing help.
Effects of Mental Health Decline
Do your parents have dementia? If so, they may lack the cognitive ability to realize all you do for them. Moreover, if the brain atrophy is severe, they may feel confused and fearful. They may also be combative. So, bear in mind that dementia isn’t your parents’ fault.
A stroke can rob a person’s speech, depending on the site of brain damage. So if one or both of your parents had a stroke, they may not be able to express gratitude. Or, if your folks are accustomed to your care, they may take it for granted.
Regardless of why your parents seem ungrateful, try not to take it personally. Probably they’re unaware of how their indifference is affecting you.
2. Make Time To Care for Yourself
You’ll handle ingratitude better if you can fulfill your personal needs. On the other hand, you’ll be edgy if you’re eating poorly, working constantly, and not getting sufficient sleep. So, do the things that keep you energized and in top form.
Basic Needs
Exercise is especially helpful. When you engage in vitalizing physical activity, your brain releases endorphins. These chemicals lift your spirits, alleviate pain, and promote sound sleep.
So, try to incorporate a fun type of exercise into each day. Examples are swimming, biking, walking, yoga, and dancing.
Then, do your best to maintain a healthy diet, including plenty of water. Ideally, a person weighing 140 lbs (64 kg) should drink 70 ounces (two liters) of water daily.
Leisure Time
Meanwhile, dabble in a hobby or creative activity. If you have a formal job, you might use your free time to catch up on chores. Still, try to squeeze in leisure, such as birdwatching, gardening, or making crafts. You can also cook a special dish for your parents using your mom’s recipe.
3. Model the Manners You Wish To See in Your Parents
By showing gratitude habitually, your folks may notice, adopting your rosy attitude. First, monitor how often you extol others for their good deeds on your behalf. Secondly, cultivate gratitude for what goes well each day.
When someone makes life easier for you, express your appreciation. Do you have a paying job? In that case, take every opportunity to thank your coworkers and boss for what they do. If you have a spouse and children, take this approach with them, too.
For instance, thank the coworker who makes coffee for the staff. If you have a partner, show gratitude for each chore they do, such as taking out the garbage or washing your clothes. If you have kids, applaud their great qualities and achievements.
Since praise is a form of gratitude, compliment your parents. For example, if your parent cooperates with letting you clip their toenails, commend them. If they spill something and clean it up, thank them for doing so. Additionally, when appropriate, convey your gratitude with a hug.
In time, your parents should start to mirror your upbeat attitude. At the very least, they may acknowledge your caring gestures with a smile.
4. Avoid Infringing on Your Folks’ Independence
Could you be doing too much for your parents, overriding their abilities? If so, maybe that’s why they lack appreciation. In turn, you may need to adapt your caregiving style.
Thus, if your parents are rational, have an open-minded discussion. Ask if they prefer doing certain things themselves. If yes, honor their wishes, provided they can perform the activities safely.
Still, assure your folks that you’re always willing to offer a hand. Moreover, state that by allowing your assistance, they shouldn’t view it as belittling. Instead, they’re being sensible.
However, what if such self-reliance will jeopardize your parents’ welfare? In that case, explain gently and respectfully why they need to accept help.
I have an article detailing all the scenarios when you should intervene with an elderly parent to ensure they don’t do something that can cause problems or potentially harm them. How to Know When to Intervene With Elderly Parents
Here’s what you can say to soothe their bruised feelings, “I love you both with all my heart, and I want to keep you well.” Such words will clarify your sincere intent. Moreover, they could kindle a spark of gratitude.
Alternatively, you may coax your folks’ appreciation with humor. For instance, if you’re a daughter, you could announce, “Your handmaid is here, eager to please you.” Or, if you’re a son, “Your butler has arrived, at your service.”
5. Be Your Own Cheerleader
Acknowledge your amazing strengths and noble traits. One way is by praising yourself aloud when you’re alone. Compliment something you’re proud of, such as holding your tongue when your parent snapped at you.
Use Affirming Self-Talk
Upgrade your mental self-talk. Start by catching yourself in the act of self-criticism. When your mind says something negative about your behavior, silence the reproach with “Stop!” Then, counter the scolding with a positive affirmation.
For instance, you’re exasperated with your parent, and you yell at them, followed by feeling guilty. Next, your mind berates you with, “You’re such an impatient person.” Cancel that out with “Stop! I’m a kind person, and I’m becoming more easygoing.”
Try To Be Objective
Also helpful is addressing yourself by name. Doing so creates mental distance and fairness, as though you’re speaking to a friend. In turn, you’re automatically supportive and gentler with yourself.
Let’s say your parent’s primary care physician has added three drugs to their medication regimen. Now, the doctor wants you to write up a new dosing schedule for your parent to follow.
Since they take numerous medicines, you feel overwhelmed, thinking, “I’ll never be able to do this.” Counter that defeatist remark with “(Your name), you’re very organized and systematic. Just take it one step at a time.”
Reward Your Achievements
When you finish a tough or grueling task, give yourself a “prize.” An example is cleaning out your parents’ refrigerator or pantry. As your reward, treat yourself to something special.
If you’re a daughter, maybe it could be a manicure or pedicure. If you’re a son, buy a small item you’ve been eyeing, such as a spiffy jacket.
It’s understandable that sometimes caring for an elderly parent can become so exhausting you might want to leave them. But it’s important to remember that they can’t function properly without you. I’ve discussed this in further detail in my article about why you shouldn’t walk away from an elderly parent. Should You Ever Walk Away from an Elderly Parent?
6. Adopt Stress-Relieving Techniques
When you feel agitated or tense, here are effective ways to decompress and recoup your composure.
- Take a break to color or work on a puzzle.
- Listen to calming music.
- Reach out to fellow members of a caregiver support group.
- Do deep breathing to a count of 4 – inhaling, holding your breath, and exhaling for 4 seconds during each phase.
- Rouse laughter by reading jokes and watching sitcoms.
- Engage in aromatherapy by inhaling relaxing essential oils, such as rose, jasmine, and lavender.
7. Enlist Trustworthy Respite Care
Arrange for periodic reprieves from caregiving. By taking regular breathers, you can avoid getting frustrated, resentful, and exhausted. Below are three ways to obtain reliable care for your parents.
Local Pool of Helpers
Consider scheduling home visits from family members, friends, and neighbors on a rotating basis. Do you know any responsible teens? If so, invite them to check on your folks, rewarding the kids with a small stipend for their assistance.
Many seniors enjoy spending time with young people and vice versa. Plus, interacting with teenagers could boost your parents’ outlook, fostering a grateful attitude.
Senior Center Participation
If possible, arrange for your parents to join a senior center. According to the National Council on Aging, elders visiting senior centers benefit markedly! For instance, they socialize more, have better health, and are happier than older adults who don’t attend. Most participants go to a senior center one to three times weekly.
Senior centers offer the following services:
- nutritious meals
- arts and crafts
- supervised fitness classes
- recreational activities
- holiday parties
- intergenerational programs
Many facilities provide door-to-door transportation for their members, using accessible vans with ramps and lifts. Some centers offer free membership, while others charge a nominal fee for services.
Hired Caregiver
Another option is securing a home health aide (HHA) trained to care for aging adults according to state regulations. An HHA can perform the following:
- assistance with personal care, including eating, grooming, dressing, and bathing
- giving medication
- housekeeping activities, such as cooking, shopping, and laundry
- monitoring vital signs, including pulse, respiration, and blood pressure
- tracking a patient’s food and fluid intake and mental condition
- handling medical emergencies, such as a stroke, heart attack, fall, or other types of accidents
A team of helpers can give you a hiatus from caring for ungrateful parents. For emotional support, consider sessions with a therapist, such as a social worker or psychologist. With a professional counselor, you can vent frustrations, gain insights, and learn practical coping skills.
8. Demonstrate Your Love With Thoughtful Gifts
Bestow items that will make your parents’ lives easier, foster their safety, and invite fun times. Hopefully, your kindness and generosity will prompt your parents to thank you. Below are products to consider with links to retail sources.
Kitchen Aids
- Instacan Higher Torque and One Touch Electric Jar Opener – If your parents have arthritic hands, they’ll welcome receiving this gadget. With a light touch on the button, it removes the lids on sealed jars. When the grippers return to their original position, the appliance shuts off automatically–-an essential safety feature.
- Hamilton Beach Automatic Can Opener – To operate this device, your parent must hold down the handle with minimal pressure. Then, the tool cuts the side of the can, leaving smooth edges and preventing skin damage.
Walking Support
- Drive Medical Store Hugo Adjustable Quad Walking Cane – This lightweight, footed cane has four rubber tips for increased traction. Meanwhile, the broad base promotes greater balance and stability. You can easily size the cane to your parent’s hip level with 11 height settings. Plus, the ergonomic handle has a reflective strap for visibility in the dark.
- Drive Medical Aluminum Rollator – Unlike a walker, a rollator has hand brakes and wheels on all the legs. This model comes with a padded seat, removable backrest, storage pouch, and limited lifetime warranty. Consider a rollator if your parents have a steady balance.
Fun Activities
- The Fun and Easy Memory Activity Book for Adults – This product is designed for seniors with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. The book contains puzzles, games, and activities to stimulate short-term and long-term memory.
- Little Moments of Joy Adult Activity Book – Rated easy, this item offers a broad selection of brain games and activities for those with good cognitive function. The book includes crosswords, sudoku, mazes, word searches, Find the Differences, and coloring pages.
- Regal Games Deluxe Bingo Set – With this large bingo set, your parents can play with a sizable group of friends and family members. The portable game has 50 large-print bingo cards and colorful, transparent chips. Plus, it includes a master board, a bingo cage, and 75 calling balls.
I also have an article discussing why elderly mothers can get stuck in an unhappy spell. You should check it out for more insight into why this happens and ideas to help you make them happy again. What to Do When Your Elderly Mother is Never Happy
Final Thoughts
Most likely, your parents’ unthankful attitude stems from not feeling well. So, try to shake off their indifference. When you do get miffed, diffuse it with calming music, aromatherapy, deep breathing, and enjoyable exercise. Laughter is great therapy, too!
You can also draw strength from a caregiver support group or professional counseling. If possible, take a break from caregiving by hiring a home health aide.
Meanwhile, if you express gratitude often, your parents may follow suit. They may also respond to humor and receiving thoughtful gifts. Remember to reward your achievements. You’re doing great!
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