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My father is nearly 80, and he struggles with his mobility. Although we don’t live in the same house, I’ve been trying to get him to come live with me so I can take better care of him, but he’s stubborn and wants to stay in his house. So, I started to look for ways to convince him to move in with me, and I’ll share the results with you.
You can get your elderly parent to move in with you by communicating your concerns to them and asking for support from an outsider, such as your parent’s therapist. You should also put yourself in the parent’s shoes and give them enough time to make a decision.
In this article, I’ll explore the most effective tips to help you persuade your elderly parent to live with you so you can rest assured that they’re safe.
1. Show Them Why They Shouldn’t Live Alone
Telling your parent that they should live with you might not be enough. They might think that they’re doing fine on their own. If you can show them otherwise, it can achieve two things: How to Tell an Elderly Parent That They Can’t Live Alone
- It confirms to you that your parent shouldn’t be living alone.
- It shows your parent that they can improve their quality of life by living with a family member.
With the above in mind, here are things to look out for that indicate your elderly loved one should move in with you:
- They never have enough food in their home.
- Their home is always messy and untidy.
- They have an untidy appearance.
- They regularly forget to take their medication.
2. Ease Them Into the Change
It can be overwhelming for your elderly parent to think about uprooting their life and moving in with you. So, they’re likely to resist the idea, and they may even feel anxious. Therefore, it can be more constructive to ease them into approaching a new living arrangement.
Perhaps you could suggest that they stay over twice a week at first and then slowly make your home their permanent abode. This also gives you the opportunity to show your elderly parent that they can lead a less stressful and happier life by moving in with you.
To further help them ease into the big life change, purchase items that help your parent get around better. For example, bed rails will ensure they can get in and out of bed much more easily than they do at home.
I’d recommend Medical King Bed Assist Rail, which is available from Amazon. It conveniently slides underneath a mattress and has a strap to secure it. It can work on all mattresses, regardless of their size and thickness.
3. Bring Up the Conversation Early On
Although you might think you have to wait for something major to happen before your parent will be ready to move in with you, you should broach the subject as early as possible. You might delay doing this out of fear that they’ll be resistant, but it’ll help to give them time to consider what you’re suggesting.
You’re asking your parent to make a decision that will likely impact all aspects of their life. So, you can’t expect the conversation to be resolved after one attempt. Understand that you might not get through to your parent immediately. It could take several weeks or even months for them to come around to your point of view.
4. See the Situation From Their Perspective
Be prepared for them to be stubborn or laugh off your suggestion. That’s okay. It’s the first time that you’re talking to them about your suggestion. Don’t argue with them, since it’ll make them more defensive.
A better way to communicate is to see the situation from their perspective. Understand why they’re resisting the idea of leaving their home. In fact, 87 percent of people over the age of 65 choose to continue living in their own houses and communities as they age, as the AARP reports.
They may have many reasons for their decision, but the most common ones have to do with familiarity. As people age, they prefer to live in familiar areas surrounded by people they know. Doing so reduces the stress they experience in their daily lives. Moreover, they have an easier time moving around since they know the layout of the neighborhood and the available transportation options.
Community is also an important aspect. Senior individuals, most of whom are retired, often rely on their peers for social support and to pass the time. Thinking about moving away from their social network can make your parent anxious as they fear being isolated and lonely.
To show your parent that you understand their point of view, you could say, “Mom, I understand that you’re not happy about the idea of moving because you want your independence or you don’t want to leave your home, but this is an idea that is available to you if you feel you don’t want to live alone anymore.”
5. Avoid Making Them Feel Like a Problem
One of the things that can make elderly parents feel hesitant about moving in with their children is if they feel that there’s something wrong with them. If you only focus on the red flags that they shouldn’t be living alone, you can make them defensive about the way they live.
So, when communicating with your elderly parent, approach the situation as being your problem. Focus on your feelings. An example is to say, “Mom, I’m concerned about how you’re managing alone. It would make me feel better if you moved in with me so that I wouldn’t worry so much. What do you think?”
6. Focus on the Positives of Moving
It’s also important to focus on the advantages of moving. You could mention some of the following points:
- Getting a fresh start.
- Higher safety compared to living alone.
- Spend more time bonding with loved ones.
- Being closer to children, grandchildren, and other family members.
7. Give Examples of Other Elderly People Who Live With Their Children
It might help your elderly parent to hear stories of other people their age who have moved in with their adult children. But make sure that they’re positive.
A good example would be to say, “Did you hear that Mrs. Gold has moved in with her daughter? She’s got her own cottage at the back of the house, and she says she’s feeling much safer because she’s not alone at night. And her kids aren’t worried that someone might break into her house.”
This can be a useful strategy to make your elderly parent think about what it would be like for them to live with you. They’ll imagine themselves in a similar situation and weigh the benefits.
8. Tell Them They Won’t Be a Burden
Your elderly parent might worry that moving in with you will prove to be a burden, but they might feel too proud to tell you. In a study published by the Journal of Family Nursing, researchers found that parents feared being a burden to their kids in the following ways:
- Complicating the busy lives of their adult children.
- Feeling guilty about having health problems that their adult children will have to deal with.
- Worrying that adult children will worry about their care.
If any of these concerns are preventing your elderly parent from wanting to move in with you, pre-empt them by talking about how much you’d like to have them around.
If you think your parent might have concerns that they’ll complicate your life, you could suggest hiring help for them, such as a caregiver.
9. Ask Someone Else To Intervene on Your Behalf
If you’ve tried to persuade your parent to move in with you for several weeks without success, ask for help from someone outside the family. Perhaps your parent’s close friend or therapist, who they trust, could help you in this regard.
Your parent might be more likely to listen to this other person. In addition, speaking about moving out of their home could result in lots of emotion, which will be removed from the scenario when they speak to someone who isn’t directly involved in the process.
10. Let Them Make Decisions
Imagine someone telling you that you must move out of your home and live somewhere else, but you don’t get a say about how your lifestyle is about to change. It can be scary!
This is what’s going on with your elderly parent who feels their life and everything they know is being turned on its head.
To prevent them from feeling this way, give them some control over the decision. Although they might be hesitant about moving in with you, it can help to focus on what they can control.
Are you planning renovations in your home so that you can ensure your parent will have more space to live independently? Let them give you their input about how they envision the space to look.
Similarly, what lifestyle would they want to have when they move in with you? If they’re interested in activities such as yoga and dancing, let them know about places offering these within walking distance of your home so that they can pursue those passions.
Or, if you want to hire a caregiver, involve them in the hiring process so that they don’t feel like you’re making all the choices for them.
11. Ask Questions Instead of Offering Advice or Instructions
No one wants to be told what they should do, especially when it comes to big life changes.
Although you might feel frustrated because you can’t get through to your parent, it doesn’t help to bombard them with advice or criticism. This can make them more defensive.
Instead, ask a question. For example, instead of telling your parent that they can’t stay in their house because they forget to lock the doors at night and put their safety at risk, you could ask them why they want to stay at home even though they’re not as safe as they could be if they moved in with you.
Similarly, instead of telling your parent that they’re not healthy enough to live alone, which can be seen as rude, ask them something like, “Do you feel strong enough to be alone at night? What will you do if you have a fall?”
12. Communicate With Your Siblings
If you have siblings, communicate with them about your concerns as they might have different ideas and you may find more constructive ways of getting through to your parent. However, note that siblings can deal with their parents’ issues or declining health at different times or in different ways.
So, chatting with them requires understanding and being open to their opinions. There are many ways to think or feel about a situation, so be open to each other’s views. Remember that your different personalities and opinions could help you find a solution.
Once you’re all on the same page, speak to your parent together. If you know one sibling has a better relationship with your parent than the others, have them speak to your parent alone.
Ultimately, the decision is up to your parent. Sometimes, you just can’t convince them to leave their home. If it comes to that, respect your parent’s decision and try to find other ways to support them.
Final Thoughts
If you’re worried about your elderly parent because they’re reaching an age where it’s unsafe for them to live alone, you need to speak to them about moving in with you. However, you need to approach the issue gently and over a period of time so that you can persuade them effectively. This includes using techniques such as the following:
- Highlighting the benefits your parent stands to gain from moving in with you.
- Being empathetic to your parent’s feelings, such as their anxiety and stress.
- Speaking to an objective outsider, such as your parent’s best friend or a trusted therapist.
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