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For many people, parents are the center around which everything revolves. Given that so many parents make sacrifices to raise their children into adulthood, it’s not uncommon for some of them to end up feeling entitled as they grow older. However, how should we deal with our selfish elderly parents?
The best way to deal with selfish elderly parents is to have clear boundaries regarding what you can do for them. Additionally, you should have an open conversation with them to find out the real cause of their behavior. If nothing helps, you should seek professional assistance for your parents.
In this article, I’ll take you through ten tips you could try to implement when dealing with selfish elderly parents. I’ll also dive into some of the most common reasons why our parents have become selfish over the years. Let’s begin!
1. Communicate With Your Parents
There’s nothing better than an honest and open conversation with your elderly parents. Moreover, it could be the lack of conversation that prompted your parents to become selfish in the first place. They just want to see more of you, and that’s not the worst thing in the world. The elderly are often neglected by society and pushed aside, so conversation is all they need.
However, maybe that’s not the case with your family, maybe you have an amazing family bond and spend hours talking with each other, yet your parents are selfish. In that case, it’s still great that you talk regularly since you’ll be able to express truthfully how stressful it gets for you when you have to focus too much of your energy on your parents.
2. Include Your Siblings
Every parent has a favorite (even though they always deny it), and if that’s you, that usually means you’re their go-to for everything. Whenever there’s the slightest problem, they call you to the rescue. Apart from that, you feel like you need to support them financially and emotionally, which puts too much pressure on you.
Even if your parents don’t have a favorite, another reason why you’re the first one they call when they need something is that they’re located close to you. This is a valid reason for your parents to reach out a bit more to you, but it’s really unfair of them to entirely rely on your undivided attention.
At the end of the day, you and your siblings share the same parents, and everybody should participate in their caretaking. It’s almost impossible for one person to take care of an elderly couple who, on top of that, feel entitled.
So, here’s what you should do to include your siblings in taking care of selfish elderly parents:
- Have an open conversation with your siblings.
- Divide the tasks or days when you need to take care of your parents.
- Be in constant contact with your siblings.
- If some siblings live far away, devise a plan for that sibling to come to the parents’ house for a few weeks or for the parents to go to that sibling’s place.
- Be flexible with your siblings in terms of schedules and tasks.
3. Understand the Cause Behind Your Parents’ Behavior
As our parents grow older, we start noticing they’re also becoming more selfish, and we’re never sure why. We become too focused on our work and life that we lose track of what our elderly parents are going through. Usually, we ascribe their selfishness to their age, and we leave it at that.
However, the cause of their growing feeling of selfishness can be a hundred different things. Therefore, we should spend more time figuring out what that cause is for your parents.
The truth is, we’re all complicated; that kind of “comes with the job” of being a human. Our parents are no different. Although they are older now, they once had busy schedules and jobs, and they were healthy. A drastic change in routine can be difficult for anyone.
The best thing you can do, and this goes to my previous point, is to sit and talk with your parents about everything. Maybe they have some issue with you, or they feel neglected by everyone – the list goes on, and you need to find out what the problem is if you want to find a solution.
Why Parents Become Selfish Over the Years
Here are some of the most common reasons why parents become selfish over the years:
- They feel abandoned by everyone
- They feel entitled, that is, they think everyone should take care of them.
- They are afraid to be alone or of what comes after.
- It’s possible they were always selfish, and it’s just visible now.
4. Set Your Own Boundaries
When elderly parents become selfish for whatever reason, they lose any sense of personal boundaries. They feel like you need to be there for them whenever they need you, and for some parents, once they don’t need you anymore, you become a nuisance. Then, when there’s a problem, you’re the first one to call. It’s a nerve-racking cycle.
Another issue that arises with selfish elderly parents regarding boundaries is that they feel like you need to share everything with them – your money, information, your whole life, especially if you’re living with your parents due to their health or for some other reason. However, they don’t feel like they need to share anything with you, and it’s really frustrating.
So, what should we do in those situations? First and foremost, you have to set clear boundaries on your end, and parents shouldn’t cross those boundaries. You need to let them know that it’s your own life and you can’t share some things with them, however selfish that might sound to them.
I’m not saying you should stop helping your parents in any way you can, but you can’t be there for them 24/7, and you’re certainly not obliged to share any information with them.
Lastly, setting clear boundaries is a healthy way for you to cope with all the demands of your selfish elderly parents. We shouldn’t pretend this is a healthy environment, and you’re the one who’ll have a tough time when it comes to stress and anxiety.
5. Keep Your Cool
Speaking of mental health, it’s really easy to get frustrated around selfish elderly parents, and that only leads to further troubles. Remaining calm under those very stressful situations will not only keep your mental state in check but also keep the situation under control.
I can’t tell you enough how important this tip is because many other things revolve around you being calm. Firstly, being calm under stressful situations will lead to the de-escalation of the heated atmosphere between you and your elderly parents. It will also create a more balanced environment for everyone.
Furthermore, when you’re calm, you can make more rational decisions instead of doing or saying something in the heat of the moment, which might seriously damage your relationship with your parents. I’m sure you’ve heard those stories where parents and their children stopped talking to each other because hurtful things were said.
Some of the best ways to keep calm in stressful situations include:
- Leaving the environment.
- Doing something that calms you down, such as taking walks.
- Watching something calming.
- Listening to music.
- Visiting a professional.
6. Seek Professional Help
It’s sometimes hard to admit, but we all need professional help at some point in our lives. We sometimes spend so much time, energy, and money trying to help our selfish elderly parents, and it seems like nothing’s working. That’s a sign you need to find a professional to help you.
Now, when I say we should seek professional help, I’m not only talking about our parents but also for ourselves. As I mentioned in my previous points, having selfish elderly parents can put immense pressure on us mentally, and “caregiver abuse” is a real thing. So, there’s no shame in admitting we need some form of help. That help can be either medication or simply talking to a therapist.
Luckily, in this day and age, we have so many options when it comes to taking care of our parents, and it’s never been easier because of the sheer number of institutions and professionals who were trained to physically and mentally take care of the elderly.
Some of the elder care options you might want to consider include:
- Caregivers: You can hire private individuals or have a home care agency find a caregiver for you. Caregivers spend time at your parents’ home and assist them with everything they need.
- Assisted living: Is a facility where your parents live with other elderly who need day-to-day assistance. They have many activities for the elderly, and the focus is on socializing.
- Nursing home: Is similar to assisted living facilities, but the difference is the general environment. Nursing homes, as the name suggests, focus more on taking care of the elderly’s medical conditions.
- Online consultations: There are some online programs where you can talk to trained professionals who can teach you some of the most important steps for taking care of your elderly parents.
7. See if Your Parents Are Hiding Something From You
Sometimes the reason why your elderly parents become selfish or entitled might be because they’re trying to hide something from you.
Unfortunately, parents usually hide bad news from us, and it might be some illness or a serious health issue they don’t want us to know about. If you know who your parents’ doctor is, check if everything’s fine.
You’re probably wondering by now why this would cause our parents to be selfish. Well, it might be the feeling of guilt because they have to keep things from you. The second reason is something that happens to all of us as human beings: we want to shelter our loved ones from bad news.
8. Avoid Arguments
It’s probably wisest to avoid arguments you know you’re not going to win, and that’s especially true with elderly parents – I mean, let’s be honest, we’ve never won an argument with our parents since our birth. So, when you’re getting into a fight with your selfish elderly parents, think about those two points – they’re your parents and are entitled (you have zero chance).
So, the best solution is to try to talk to them calmly, and if you notice that the talk is turning into an argument, be the brave one and accept defeat. Otherwise, if there’s a fight, that’ll just cause more harm than good.
Non-stop arguments and fights can make it challenging to tolerate your parents. Read my guide on dealing with elderly parents who constantly fight to learn a few ways of dealing with them. How to Deal With Constantly Fighting Elderly Parents
9. Try To Understand Things From Their Perspective
It’s very difficult to put ourselves into our parents’ shoes when they’re old and retired. We have a more dynamic life, and we still have an important role in society, so we can’t imagine how it must be for our parents, who might be feeling left out.
On top of that, life becomes exponentially more difficult for them, even doing anything in their home. You can help them in this regard, though, through elderly assistance products. I’d recommend the Amazon Bathroom Safety Grab from Amazon.com. With this safety grab, your parents can help themselves out of a bathroom tub effortlessly.
Another great product I’d recommend is Able Life’s Universal Lift Assist from Amazon.com. As we’re slowly growing older, we’re starting to feel how difficult it is to get out of a sofa sometimes, and this lift-assist product can ease that struggle for your elderly parents.
10. Keep the Focus on Yourself
Our parents are some of the most important people in the world; we can all agree on that. However, we often mistake the love we feel for our parents with the obligation to serve them. We should always be there for our parents, but we also need to realize that we should be the focus of our life.
Moreover, many of us have spouses and children who might be affected by our selfish elderly parents. Therefore, it’s important to take care of our parents but keep the focus on ourselves.
Conclusion
Many elderly parents become more selfish over the years, which can be challenging to deal with. They probably feel abandoned or even entitled, which makes them selfish. If your elderly parents are a bit selfish, try to:
- Have a conversation about it.
- Include your siblings.
- Keep the focus on yourself.
- Make their lives a bit easier with various elderly assistance products.
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