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Understanding how to communicate with your elderly parents is critical, especially as they are near an age where difficult conversations are required. How you start a conversation with your parents will set the tone for the entire discussion. So how can you communicate with them more effectively?
To start a conversation with your elderly parents, you must be patient and have good timing. Your parents need to feel like you’re listening to their concerns and respecting their wishes. Never argue with them; do your best to keep the conversation lighthearted when discussing heavy topics.
In the rest of this article, I will discuss the most effective ways to start conversations with your elderly parents. Talking with your parents about complex topics, such as entering a nursing home, doesn’t have to be traumatic. So if you want to learn more about starting conversations the right way, read on.
1. Be Patient
First, you must be patient, especially when discussing a sensitive topic. Try putting yourself in your parent’s shoes to understand their feelings. Refrain from being pushy or forceful with your parents in a conversation, no matter how frustrated you might feel.
With old age comes a loss of control over your life; this phase is complex and will require kindness and understanding. You may have to approach a conversation several times before getting anywhere, but staying calm and the patient is critical.
When the time comes for your parents to receive extra care or go into a facility, you have to be patient. This transition is challenging, and your elderly parents need time to wrap their heads around the concept.
2. Have Good Timing
Another crucial step to starting a conversation with your parents has good timing. Your parents are far less likely to be agreeable if they aren’t feeling well or have had a bad day. So you should avoid starting conversations if your parents appear to be in a bad mood.
Instead, try taking them out on a nice outing, making them dinner, or participating in their favorite activity before broaching a complex subject. You want your parents to know that you care about them and only bring the topic up because you care about their health.
Having good timing also includes knowing when to halt a conversation. For example, if you start discussing a topic and your parents seem unreceptive, it is best to take a break and let them know you can discuss it another time.
3. Have Difficult Conversations Early
A great way to avoid the conflict of having difficult conversations with your parents is to have these discussions early before your parents’ health has waned. Then, knowing what your parents want when they get older is a good map for what actions you can take.
Placing your parents in a care center is emotionally challenging, especially if they aren’t receptive to the idea. However, having these conversions early on helps them think clearly and explain what they want done should they need extra care.
You will feel more at ease if you can talk with your parents long before the time comes for them to go into assisted living. Plus, you can write a clear action plan, so the outcome blindsides no one.
Check out my guide on how to tell bad news to elderly parents to get an idea of how to approach this sort of situation. How To Gently Tell Your Parents Any Bad News
4. Have Your Points Prepared
Another significant step is to have the points of the conversation prepared. You need to know what you’re talking about and what subjects you wish to broach. Your research needs to be done before starting the conversation with your parents.
First, define the goal of your conversation. You need to know your objective and the outcome you’re looking for. You also need to be emotionally prepared that your elderly parents might not be receptive to the conversation.
Each point should be factually backed and informative. You should be able to answer any of your parents’ questions. Knowing what you’re talking about will comfort your parents, especially during complex discussions.
5. Choose Your Words Carefully
Another important tip is to choose your words carefully. Conversations need to feel safe for your parents, and the words you select will considerably impact the tone of the discussion. The words you use need to be cheerful, kind, and careful. You don’t want your parents to feel stressed or unsafe when you’re talking with them.
Do your best to keep all negativity from your vocabulary, especially when discussing complex subjects like entering a long-term care facility. Instead, try and paint the change as a positive thing and highlight the activities or aspects your parents will enjoy.
If your elderly parents become upset by the conversation, skillfully change the subject and do your best to stay positive. Your parents are their people, and even if their ability to care for themselves has diminished, they still have feelings to consider.
6. Never Argue
This step can be difficult, especially if you feel your parents are being needlessly stubborn. However, you will get further with them by being polite and not arguing; they are still your parents.
What your elderly parents have to say is no less valuable than your message. If the conversation escalates, it’s your job to defuse the situation and do your best to agree with them where you can. There is no winning if your parents feel you are being aggressive with them.
It’s okay to agree to disagree. However, you don’t have to pretend to agree with your parents; you must avoid confrontation or arguing when possible.
7. Listen to Their Concerns
Your parents are bound to have their concerns, especially when discussing a significant life change. Getting older is scary and doesn’t need to be made scarier by creating a loss of control for your parents. Their concerns are valid; they must know you’re listening to them.
You can show your parents you hear them by:
- Practicing active listening.
- Validating their fears.
- Thinking of ways to help with those fears.
- Letting them know you care and won’t force anything they aren’t comfortable with.
- Being willing to let the conversation alone and try another day again.
Your parents need validation when it comes to extensive discussions. They want to know that you understand how they are feeling and you will help them navigate this big scary new life change. So do your best to express your willingness to help and show them you’re listening.
8. Respect Their Wishes Where You Can
Another critical step in starting a conversation with your elderly parents is respecting their wishes. An open conversation about what steps to take when they need a higher level of care is essential, but respecting your parent’s wishes is just as important.
That said, there may come a time when your parents need more care but are stubborn, and you may have to decide for them. Refrain from overruling their wishes. Please do what you can, and respect their wishes for as long as possible.
The hope is that your parents will conclude that they need more help before you have to. Let your parents know you will respect their wishes as long as it’s safe for you.
9. Reevaluate When Necessary
Having a plan with your parents is good, but sometimes you need to be prepared to reevaluate the conversation. For example, you may need to pause a discussion and return to it later if your parents are unreceptive to the idea.
Additionally, a previous plan you had in place may no longer be functional, requiring a new conversation. Do your best to feel out when it’s time to reapproach the subject and start a new discussion.
It’s okay for your plans to change with your parents. Just do your best to include them in those conversations and changes. Writing down your parent’s plans for when they age can help the discussion go more smoothly when it’s time to reevaluate.
10. Make It a Family Discussion
Another great way to start a conversation with your parents is to make it a family discussion. If everyone is involved and on the same page, challenging topics will be much easier to cover. You can easily facilitate this by having the family together for a meal and discussing things over good food.
Getting your siblings involved will also help your parents feel cared for and like you have their best interest at heart. However, be careful not to gang up on them if you all disagree with them. You still need to have a conversation to be a safe space for your elderly parents.
Discussing the topics you wish to cover with your siblings before initiating the conversation will help ensure everyone’s on the same page.
11. Accept Differences of Opinion
As I previously stated, sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Your parents are still people and bound to have different opinions than you. It’s okay to listen to a point they make and not agree with them. Not agreeing with your parents doesn’t have to be a source of contention and you can do so respectfully.
12. Keep Things Lighthearted
Conversation with your parents when they get older can be heavy, especially when discussing the transition to assisted living. Do your best to keep the conversation lighthearted and to make your parents feel like there isn’t any rush.
You can lighten the mood by:
- Telling a few jokes.
- Talking about happy memories.
- Discussing things your parents love.
- Ordering a tasty treat you know they enjoy.
- Planning a nice outing for after the conversation.
Let your elderly parents know this is just a conversation, and no decisions have to be made yet. Instead, you want them to start thinking about these things. The goal is to help them be a part of the conversation and decision-making process.
13. Don’t Draw Attention to Lapses in Memory
As people age, it’s prevalent to experience memory loss. One of the worst things you can do when talking with your elderly parents is to draw attention to their forgetfulness or criticize them for it. Instead, it’s best to redirect if you notice your parents need to remember things you discussed prior.
Forgetfulness can also cause aged individuals to make up stories. This is one way they try to make sense of the things they do remember. I have a detailed article going in-depth about why this happens and what you should do if your elderly parents tell stories about the past that didn’t happen. Why Does Your Elderly Parent Make Up Stories?
In the scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if they remember a previous conversation. Accept the fact that they might not and reapproach the topic later. You don’t want your parents to feel crazy or upset by this lapse in memory.
14. Don’t Offer Unwanted Advice
Starting conversations with your elderly parents is essential. However, it’s also crucial that you only run part of the conversation. As I previously stated, you should be doing a lot of listening. Additionally, you shouldn’t give your parents your constant and unwanted advice. If your elderly parents want to know your thoughts, they will ask.
So keep that in mind when broaching complex topics.
15. Record or Take Notes
Lastly, record or take notes of meaningful conversations. Sometimes as our parents age, their memories aren’t as good, and having a reference of the previous conversation will be helpful. Taking notes will also help you stay on track and better honor their wishes if they cannot participate in later conversations.
Filling out a wish planner is a great way to ensure that your parents feel incorporated into the conversation and you know what to do when they need more care.
If you don’t already have a good planner, I recommend Peter Pauper Press Peace of Mind Planner (available on Amazon). This planner is fantastic because it focuses on getting your parent’s affairs in order, their wishes, and the essential things that need doing as people age. Using a planner like this is a great way to make your parents a part of the discussion.
Conclusion
Starting a challenging conversation with your elderly parents isn’t too difficult if you know what you’re doing. The most important thing to remember is that they are a person with feelings, too, and transitioning to a care facility is likely scary. Do what you can to minimize their fears and let them know you are there for them.
Also, remember to be patient and kind. Also, do your best to listen throughout the conversation.
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