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If your parents are reaching elderly status and require additional care, you might find that you are expected to provide that care. As a working adult, this might not be feasible for you and your family, which can lead to a lot of guilt. Your parents might feel that they raised you, and now you need to come through for them, but that doesn’t have to be the case.
When your elderly parents make you feel guilty, it is important to remember that you are not indebted to them. Several options are available to help with their care without placing unnecessary stress on you and your family. Caregivers, home improvements, and nursing homes are all excellent options.
This article will provide a few tips on avoiding guilt from your elderly parents and how you can work to make their life more comfortable without sacrificing your happiness for them.
How To Deal With Aging Parent Guilt
Receiving care can be a difficult transition for the elderly, and your parents may try to guilt you into caring for them to avoid going into a care home.
You can acknowledge that this is hard for them without putting your feelings aside. It is essential that you are open and honest with your feelings at this time.
It is certainly possible to make this transition work for both you and your elderly parents. The key is to start the transition slowly to allow them to get used to the idea. If you are only now considering care, it is likely that they are still somewhat self-sufficient.
Here are a few steps you could take before recommending moving them into a nursing home:
- Install assisted living devices into their home. This could be anything from a stairlift to a shower they can easily sit in. You can buy beds and chairs that move with a remote so your parents can get out of them easily. They may be able to live with these measures for a few years before you may need to take the next step.
- Arrange for a care visitor to come to their home. If your parents don’t want to move out of their home yet but require certain care measures, you may benefit from a health visitor. A professional caregiver can come over and perform necessary tasks without making your parents feel uncomfortable. Access to this kind of care may vary depending on your state.
If your parents’ condition makes it difficult to employ the abovementioned services, you can try to move them into a residential care facility with more freedom.
Some areas have residential care options where your parents can get their own flat and keep it separate from other residents as much as they’d like, while still having access to carers.
Access to these kinds of facilities can be limited, but they are a great option if you have one in your area.
How To Look After Your Mental Health When an Elderly Parent Is Guilting You
Whether your parent is deliberately guilting you to get what they want or they are doing it accidentally out of fear, it is going to hurt your feelings badly. You may feel like you’ve failed them or are being unnecessarily cruel, so you need to put up some barriers to protect yourself from their cruel words and guilt-tripping.
Firstly, you have to remember that you don’t owe them your time or attention just because they raised you. That was a burden that they consented to unconditionally when they had a child.
However, if you feel guilty about not being able to take care of them enough, it’s crucial to understand that there are some things that are beyond your control. It is important to put your guilt into perspective.
Ask yourself if you feel guilty because you have done something wrong or if they have conditioned you to feel responsible for them. If it is the latter, which in this case it probably is, you have to validate yourself where they are refusing to validate you.
Repeat some of the following mantras to yourself when you are struggling:
- I am not responsible for my parents’ happiness.
- I do not owe my parents anything just because they gave me life.
- I am doing what is best for my parents and myself.
- My physical and emotional well-being is just as important as the well-being of my parents.
Speak With Your Parents
Sometimes, your elderly parents might not realize they’re exhibiting manipulative behavior and are guilt-tripping you. Aging can cloud one’s judgment, especially those with mental health conditions, such as dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease.
Speaking with them when they’re in a better mood and explaining your circumstances will help alleviate the conflict between you. It can also help your mental health when you see that they agree with you.
However, if you don’t have a way with words, you can consult a family counselor for the best way to speak with your parents.
Speak With Your Partner
If you have a partner, it is a good idea to have a chat with them about what you want to happen. They are less attached to your parents and less likely to be manipulated by them, so telling your partner your intentions can mean you have someone in your court to keep you on track.
Speak With Your Siblings
If you have siblings, have a clear discussion with them about what you all want to happen, and stay on the same page. This will provide a level of accountability you all must stick to. Remember that if one of your siblings gives in, that doesn’t make you a bad son or daughter to your parent. It just makes you human.
Assisted Living Devices to Assist Elderly Parents at Home
Upgrading your parents’ house for accessibility can be an expensive and time-consuming endeavor. However, it can help your parents maintain the feeling of independence and reduce your chances of being a victim of their guilt-tripping.
The decline in the level of independence elderly parents experience can make them feel insecure and lonely. As a result, they can vent these negative feelings on their children by being manipulative.
So if you can give them access to devices that can help them regain a bit of their independence, it can help improve their behavior toward you.
Here are a few things you should consider when buying assisted living devices for the home.
Stair Lift
If your parent is fragile or prone to falls, the stairs can be one of the biggest worries. Installing a stair lift allows you to rest easy knowing your parent is strapped in when they use the stairs and safe from potentially dangerous tumbles.
Stair lifts can be pricey. However, that is significantly cheaper than a nursing home and will keep your parents happy for a while.
You can get your stairlifts from anywhere, but I recommend this Westchester Stairlift for Home and Seniors (available on Amazon). It is a bargain for a stairlift and includes installation in the price, so you don’t have to worry about hiring anyone to fit it. There is also a money-back guarantee if it doesn’t fit your stairwell.
Adjustable Chairs and Beds
If your elderly parent suffers from mobility issues, you might worry about their ability to get in and out of bed. Technology has advanced to allow anyone to be comfortable without assistance in the form of remotely operated furniture.
These come in a variety of styles depending on their disability. Some have adjustable headrests for comfort, while others can tip forward so you can easily get in and out of the chair. If your parent is worried about their mobility but wants to stay independent, this is a great compromise.
Like the stair lift, it will set you back a bit. The bed frames can cost you a few thousand dollars, and many of those don’t include a mattress, so you will need to find one that is compatible with the bed.
If your parents share a bed with separate adjustments on each side, you will need to get mattresses to accommodate that. Whoever sells your bed should be able to talk you through the process.
Wheelchair Ramps
Perhaps your parent has just found themselves needing a wheelchair. Certain areas of the house may now seem inaccessible to them. However, this can be remedied easily with a ramp.
Ramps are easy to come by and can be found in various shapes and sizes to fit your house and your parent’s wheelchair. The best ramps are made of aluminum with a slip-proof mat to avoid accidents.
A great option on Amazon is the Koozam Upgraded Wheelchair Ramp. It has a sturdy frame that is built to withstand most standard wheelchairs and a sandpaper surface to prevent slips and skids. This is a great choice, especially if your parent is a new wheelchair user.
Shower Seats
If your elderly parents want to retain their privacy for a while but struggle with standing in the shower, then shower seats are a great addition to their bathroom. These allow your parents to sit in the shower instead of standing, allowing them the dignity to wash themselves instead of hiring someone else to do it.
Depending on your budget, you can get shower seats in various sizes and fittings. They can be temporary additions to the shower that you can take in or out, or you can buy permanent shower seats that are a part of the shower.
Either way, you should also fit a handrail to the sides of the shower to ensure your parent’s safety and have a non-slip bathmat on the floor to prevent falls.
Wireless Emergency Alarms for Seniors
If your elderly parents live together or with another adult, you can install an emergency alarm in potentially dangerous places in the house. These are easy to install and can be plugged into any outlet, allowing your parent to press a button and have anyone else in the house alerted.
This can be a lifesaver if your parent is prone to falls. It allows other people in the house to assist or call for assistance quickly and easily. You won’t have to worry about your elderly mother being trapped on the floor after a fall.
You can get these alarms easily online. This CallToU Wireless Caregiver Pager Call Button (available on Amazon.com) provides a loud and effective alarm that can be heard from anywhere in the house. If you live next door to your parents, that will be in range too, meaning you can leave them alone and still assist them if they need it.
What To Do if Your Elderly Parent Needs Professional Care
Unfortunately, your elderly parent may have to receive professional care. Whether this is a carer visiting or moving them to a residential home, this can be a big and painful step for both of you. Here are a few tips on how to make this transition easier for them:
- Have an open discussion about everyone’s feelings. Your parent may not want care, but you need to put their well-being and your own first. If they are open to discussing it, find out what they would prefer to happen and work with them to the best of your ability.
- Go with your parent to their doctor. They may only be open to this conversation with a professional. If you take your elderly parent to their doctor, they may be able to convince them of something you can’t.
- Arrange meetings with the care providers. They may take issue with there being strangers in their home, so don’t let that be the case. Find a care company that allows you to meet potential carers so that your parent becomes comfortable with them. If they have to go into a home, visit several times before moving.
- Stand your ground. They may continue to try and guilt you throughout this process, but don’t let them wear you down. You want what is best for them, and they have to accept that. Decide on your boundaries before you begin the process, and don’t let your parents cross them.
This might be a painful process for you to go through, especially if you have a good relationship with your parents and they are making you feel like a bad son or daughter.
Throughout this time, you must remember that you are doing what is best for their safety in the long term, and their needs must be prioritized over their wants. You are a good son or daughter by looking after them when they need it most.
Final Thoughts
It is natural to care about what happens to your parents, no matter how they decide to treat you. However, you should always put your well-being first. It does nobody any good if you are pouring from an empty glass. If you aren’t in a position to look after your parents right now, then you don’t have to feel guilty about getting someone else to do it.
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