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People use anger, rudeness, selfishness, self-centeredness, and self-entitlement to describe their elderly parents. Interestingly, when upset, I would probably use the same words too. I would probably add hatred to the list because sometimes it feels like senior parents hate their kids.
Your elderly parents seem to hate you because age and illness can be frustrating. Their circle of friends has shrunk, and now you mean the whole world to them. They’re needy of your time, and if they don’t get enough of it, they get upset and become rude. Chronic pain also makes them lash out.
The inability to perform simple tasks they have been performing their whole lives can be frustrating to senior parents. I’ll discuss the reasons behind their anger, often perceived as hatred, and what you can do to overcome what appears to be a sudden change of behavior.
Causes of Hate and Anger Outbursts in Elderly Parents
Anyone can have trouble adjusting to their elderly parent’s bouts of anger and hate. It could feel like it started happening overnight.
If you’ve encountered this, you may have a hard time understanding what happened to the loving parents you spent hours fishing or chatting with every weekend. They may seem unrecognizable, and what hurts most is the anger and hate directed at you.
As parents start aging, it sometimes feels like you have been thrown into an arena with a different person. Suddenly it feels like you are in a new reality with someone you’ve known all your life, and this person is not so nice. Senior parents start hating others for various reasons.
- Your elderly parent has chronic pain and discomfort. Every elderly parent probably complains of the same. Still, if you have experienced severe pain, you probably know patience goes out the window. Elderly parents lash out because they focus on the pain, not their words or actions.
- They have difficulty expressing their emotions. Communication becomes a little difficult when one gets older. When family members fail to appreciate this, some senior parents have anger outbursts because they are frustrated. So, try to start a conversation with them. How to Start Conversations With Your Elderly Parents
- They feel frustrated over their inability to perform tasks they previously considered simple. This is probably a root cause of anger outbursts in most elderly people. For example, wearing a shirt or shoes may take longer. When you rush them, they become more frustrated and aware of the changes in their abilities.
- They feel exhausted from getting inadequate rest. Your elderly parents may be experiencing sleep disruptions, and in their exhaustion, they may snap. It is easy to interpret these outbursts as hate.
- Dementia and other illnesses cause personality changes. Diseases that cause brain injuries can cause a personality change. For example, some of the symptoms of dementia include anger, confusion, agitation, and frustration. This is beyond your senior parents, and they may not help themselves when they react negatively toward you.
It is easy to associate anger outbursts with hate. However, take a minute and imagine what your senior parents are going through, both physically and emotionally.
The sudden changes that come with age can affect even the calmest person. However, with a little understanding and medication, your parents will be calmer and, possibly, more loving.
You can also use Caregiver Cards Picture Based Communication Cards (available on Amazon.com) to help your elderly parent communicate effectively. The pictures allow people with dementia, Alzheimer’s, or stroke to understand and engage in activities that promote their independence and memory care.
The set has 152 illustrations with large fonts. Two binder rings secure the cards, but you can remove the cards your elderly parents don’t need. This way, they can focus only on the cards they need to ease communication.
How To Deal With Hateful Elderly Parents
When your elderly parents become unbearably hurtful, you may be tempted to stay away from them. Unfortunately, this is not the solution because they may think you have abandoned them, causing more distrust, misery, and anger outbursts.
Here are tips on how to react when your senior parents are being hateful.
Know It Is Not About You
You first need to realize that your parents’ negative reactions are not your fault. You are the target because you are probably the only constant in their lives.
Some people feel like taking their elderly parents to assisted living can help relieve these intense feelings of hatred considering the distance. However, for elderly people with dementia or other mental health conditions, it can be unpredictable.
There will be days when your interactions are just as hateful and hurtful. Other visits can be calm, and you’d occasionally see the loving parents you once knew. You’ll find peace from knowing and accepting that your elderly parent’s reactions reflect their physical and mental health, not their feelings toward you.
This video discusses the self-entitlement and anger in elderly parents, and what you can do to help yourself and your parents.
Find the Root Cause of the Anger
Do you sometimes feel like elderly people reserve their worst behavior to those closest to them? When with a hired professional caregiver, they seem to be in a better mood. However, the hate and resentment surface as soon as you walk in.
This is because your senior parents feel more comfortable expressing their pain and dissatisfaction to you. Your responsibility is to find out why they are suddenly so angry. For example, you could take them to the doctor to run tests for Alzheimer’s, dementia, and other age-related diseases.
Illnesses rob the elderly of control over their statements and actions. Once you understand this, you will be more tolerant of your senior parents’ outbursts.
Take a Break
When you feel you cannot take the anger and hatred anymore, take a break. Go and spend time with your friends, take a walk, or even take a short holiday. You only need to ensure you have a caregiver at hand to attend to your parents in your absence.
You can also opt to have your elderly parents go into assisted living, where professionals can give them the care they need. This way, you only get to spend a short time with your parents without getting worked up.
What if your elderly parents make you feel guilty? You should take care of yourself as well as your elderly parents. I recommend reading my guide to learn how to deal with this situation. What to Do When Elderly Parents Make You Feel Guilty
Conclusion
Hate is a strong word that doesn’t describe your elderly parents’ behavior towards you. However, it understandably feels like you have lost your parents’ love. It is important to remember it’s not true, especially when your parents are in pain or have dementia.
Ensure your parents are comfortable, whether it is medication they need or enough rest. When they are content, your parents may not be as harsh, and even if they are, you will know you are doing your best for them.
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